John Byrne's "Next Men"

For one reason or the other,  I didn’t read John Byrne’s NEXT MEN during its initial run back in the early 90’s- after reading both his West Coast Avengers and Namor The Sub Mariner run, I was pretty much overkilled on Byrne, and didn’t feel like taking up what looked like nothing more than a vanity project copying the X-MEN…

Boy, how misguided can a guy get?

It was only after Byrne started up his X-Men: The Hidden Years comic that I felt enthusiastic enough about picking up his NEXT MEN series that was, by then, dead and gone (or, infinitely postponed, according to Byrne) and I was able to buy almost the complete 31 issue run in the $1.00 bins at the local comic store! (at least, all except issue 21 which featured Hellboy)

I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I began reading the strip, but I tell you this: After reading just issue #0, I knew this comic was special. Something about the  characters made me care for them the very first time I laid eyes one them!

We get introduced to the central players, who we later find are living in a virtual world plugged into their subconscious, and it’s only after they’ve woken up in the “real” world, do their powers manifest, shocking them and subsequently overtaking their humanity with its raw power. The team must set out to find “the truth” about themselves all the while dodging government and political enemies, trying to sort out friends from enemies.

One thing I really loved about the Next Men was how GREAT they looked as a group, one scene that really stood out for me was when the gang has been hauled in for mass murder… I remember thinking, wow,this is really a pretty awesome team Byrne’s created here…they’re all fully developed and work SO well together, whether on the battlefield or playing against each other.

This one particular shot says it all, each member’s personality is clearly evident here when they get the “Guilty” verdict handed down to them:

Nathan, the most perceptive of the bunch, is unflinchingly somber, as if to say “Of COURSE they voted against us.”

Danny, the wide-eyed guy who readily trusts people and thinks of himself as a true hero, is shocked at the verdict.

Jasmine, the sensitive one of the group, is both worried and crushed by the news…

Jack, who has overwhelming remorse over the carnage they’ve been involved in, is ashamed of himself, and truly believes he is guilty.

…and Bethany is PISSED AS HELL!!!

Oh How I LOVED Bethany! Tuff and Sassy, she was immediately my favorite member, among all the interesting characters in this strip! (More on her in the following post) In fact, along with Federal Agent Toni Murchenson, I'd say that it's the characters that are the driving force behind the strip WAY MORE than the storyline itself!

Sadly, when the series came to an end, I felt extremely unsatisfied, as far as the story went. Although Byrne stated in the editorial that this was the CONCLUSION of the Next Men story arc, they left so many plotlines and characters’ stories in limbo as to feel abruptly chopped off rather than any kind of real “ending”. I thought, “Wow, that ending was really disappointing”

However…

That night after finishing reading the final comic in a one week marathon of John Byrne Next Men reading, I had this huge, empty feeling in my heart- I MISSED the characters!

It saddened me to sit there not knowing the fates of my now beloved characters. I wanted to see all their problems solved, and I wanted to see them at peace!

Now, part of me knows that even if Byrne DID take up the series again, It probably would’ve unfolded in a different direction than I wanted (I wanted more about the interplay and personalities of the original five members, less of the politics & endless introduction of new characters) and it seemed like the strip was turning its direction more into a story about creating new characters with new super powers & secret agendas than the original five characters even before the series ended…

But, who am I kidding? Good or bad, If Byrne actually decided to get off his duff and restart Next Men up again, I will be the FIRST one to run out and grab a copy! Cause I can’t just have those characters suspended forever in comic limbo- I need to have CLOSURE!

Super-Vixens: Bethany

Though I wasn’t a big reader of John Byrne’s NEXT MEN series while is was being published, when I DID get down to collecting them all and reading them, I LOVED IT to DEATH!

With an original storyline of five super-powered individuals who awaken from a dream world state and are suddenly thrust into the real one, Byrne created these thoughtful and sympathetic characters that you really cared about. And out of all of the so-called “Next Men”, the one that I loved head and shoulders above the rest was the indestructible maiden of might, Bethany.

 I fell in love with Bethany from the very first moment I laid eyes on her, happily chatting with Nathan in the “Greenery” the virtual paradise in their minds, dressing like a beautiful extra in Logan’s Run, though I really can’t explain why she won me over so immediately.

But from the moment she awoke into the “real” world and had to begin dealing with her powers/curse of having a virtually indestructible body, her plight always seemed the most interesting to me: having a completely indestructible body meant long hair, long fingernails, and since even her pigment couldn’t be affected, developing a pale complexion!

  It was great storytelling to see her go from the pretty, optimistic and curious girl talking in the Greenery...

To the cold, bitter and ruthless warrior who grew out of her experience of having to deal with the loss of feeling, the loss of her love, and the helplessness of not being able to save innocents from the hands of truly evil men out in the real world.

There are traces of Susan Storm-Richards in Bethany to be sure, and why not? Byrne was trying to elevate Sue from the crying, wringing-her-hands girl she was in the early comics  to become arguably the strongest member of the Fantastic Four, an ass-kicking beautiful blonde- exactly the prototype for the character Beth became!

Why, there are even similarities in Bethany’s “Hardbody’ cosutme and Susan Storm’s “Hate” outfit from FF #281! AHAHAHA..Byrne shows his S & M Style LOL

PS: Speaking of Behtany’s supposed “Codename” Hardbody, well, I never liked it. In fact, in the comic it was a name thrust upon her by an overzealous fellow member who envisioned them as Comic heroes. I don’t know if Byrne menat Hardbody to stick as her real codename, but since even Bethany didn’t like it, I don’t feel any need to accept it either AHAHAHAHA!

The Harry Hastings Method

When I was in seventh grade back in 1979, we were assigned these glossy English reading books with various short stories to read and then get tested on for vocabulary, comprehension, etc. There was this one story that really made an impression on me, and I remember reading it over and over again throughout that school year.

 The tale in question was a short story by Warner Law called The Harry Hastings Method. It’s a zany story told in the first person of a small-time burglar who breaks into well-to-do peoples homes while they’re at work and takes their clothes and valuables to fence. The tale starts for us when he breaks into the house of one Harry Hastings...

* * * * *AS USUAL, SPOILERS ABOUND!!!* * * * * *

  After breaking into a home and rummaging around, the Burglar discovers that the owner of the house is a TV writer named Harry Hastings. As the burglar himself fancies writing some day, he steals one of Hastings’ scripts as well as his entire wardrobe and typewriter. While testing out the typewriter, he decides to leave a note for the owner:

  The burglar enjoys the loot he has stolen from the Hastings residence, but a few months later, he needs new clothes and decides the time is ripe to hit the writer’s house again. He returns to Harry Hastings' house, and makes way to the bedroom to pilfer more clothes, when he sees a note taped to the closet:

  After the burglar takes the few new suits that are in the closet and is about to leave, he remembers something he wanted to tell Harry Hastings. He locates a new electric typewriter and leaves a new note:

  So four more months go by before the burglar decides it is once again time to update his wardrobe. So he makes his way back to Harry Hastings house, but is put on alert when he sees a note taped to the front door:

  Now, He figures the Hastings could be making whole scenario up, but he knows it is best to not take chances. So he opts to leave for the time being. But when he returns a few days later, the same note is still taped to the door!  So he realizes the note is a fake, and breaks into the house without hesitation. When he gets in, there is another note on the closet door for him:

   After stealing whatever is left of Hastings’ wardrobe, the Burglar starts to feel bad, and decides he should leave Harry Hastings alone. But then a few months later, someone breaks into the BURGLAR’S house and steals all the clothes he’d worked so hard to get! Thus he has no choice but to once again break into the Hastings house to replenish his closet!

  Upon coming to Harry Hastings’ front door, he sees a note taped to the front of it:

  This note gives him pause. Is there really a Puma in there, or is this another one of Harry Hastings’ tricks? After a few minutes of debate, he decides to take the chance that Hastings is lying. He stealthily breaks into the house, and slowly sneaks around, calling out “Kitty, nice Kitty!” After a few minutes, he realizes he is right, and the note is a fake.

When he gets to the bedroom, he sees another note taped to the door:

  Well, the burglar doesn’t believe this for one minute. He  goes right into the room, and of course there is no such electronic device to be found. There is, however, another note taped to the closet door:

  The burglar has to laugh, and takes a sports coat out of the closet. There is only a faint scent of cologne, and the burglar knows the gas doesn’t exist at all! The only thing that gives him pause is that fact that the coat he is now stealing looks exactly like the one he’d stolen before. He chalks it up to coincidence, and happily makes his exit, but when he gets home, he is greeted with an alarming scene. There are three envelopes taped to his front door, numbered 1, 2 and 3. He doesn’t know what to make of it, and begins by opening envelope #1:

  Well, the burglar DOES stop and think about it, and then it hits him: Harry Hastings was the guy who broke into his house and stole back the clothes! How did Hastings find out where he lived? How did he get in, and how did he know that he was robbing his place today? Suddenly, the burglar begins to feel nervous as he opens the second envelope:

The burglar quickly opens the third note, because if Hastings knows about him, the police are probably on their way:

   Well, the burglar is simply flabbergasted! He cannot think of what to believe! So he stands in front of his door and sweats and sweats, and finally comes to the realization: Harry Hastings is finally telling the truth! Besides, he can hear the animal inside making little noises as it moves around. But this is beside the point because the burglar has to get in because all his cash is hidden inside, and he’ll need that before he blows town!

  After  debating for a while, he finally decides to hold up the sports coat and try to fend off the animal, and maybe force it into a closet or room until he can get to his cash. Summoning all of his courage, he bursts into the room with the coat protecting him, and...

No puma jumps out at him. No animal is there at all. But then he looks off in the corner of the room, and Harry Hastings himself is sitting at his desk! The burglar cannot think of anything to say, when Hastings speaks up and asks the shaking burglar:

“Tell me one thing. DID you or did you NOT believe there was a puma in here?”

The burglar thought, then slowly nodded. “Yes Sir. Yes, I really did.”

Then Hastings smiled a big smile and said “Well, thank heaven for that! I was beginning to think I was losing my grip!”

  The story ends with the two of them, the writer and the wanna-be writer, collaborating to start a fanciful burglar deterrent system consisting of  inventive notes posted regularly and cheaply to clients' doors!  I just fell in love with the story, and I told myself that I would go to the school library some time and xerox the story so that I would still have it when inevitably I had to return the textbook to the school. But I never got around to it, and before I knew it, we were handing the books back and school was over! I didn’t realize just how much I would miss that story, but as the months and years went by, I cursed myself for not copying the story when I had the chance!

 I spent many summers rummaging through used bookstores and library book fairs trying to track down that English reading book, but it was tough because not only did I not recall the author of the Harry Hastings Method, over time I’d actually forgotten the name of the school textbook! As my memory got blurred, the chances of me ever finding the book grew slimmer and slimmer!

    It was only years and YEARS later through the advent of the internet that I was able to track down the elusive story. By typing in “The Harry Hastings Method” into every internet search engine I could find, I was eventually rewarded with an entry leading the the website that listed short stories published in Playboy, of all places. But lo and behold, listed right there in the Playboy Genre Fiction Page:

Law, Warner,

--Lincoln's Doctor's Son's Dog, March, 1970.

--The Harry Hastings Method, April, 1971.

--Payoff on Double Zero, October, 1971.

I remember reading the listing and re-reading the listing, hardly daring to believe it was the same story. And if it wasn’t for the fact that the story had such a one-of a kind title, I might have convinced myself it WASN”T the same story. But I had to take the chance!

   For the next few weeks I perused  Ebay diligently, waiting to see if I could find a copy of  the April 1971 Playboy issue up for auction. I quickly realized there were two kinds of sellers when it came to Playboy: the people who sold to collectors and sold them at ridiculous prices, and the used bookstore sellers who sold them as nothing more than old magazines. Finding a dealer such as this, I was able to purchase a copy for less than $5.00! Now all I had to do was cross my fingers that this was the story I had been waiting for!

    A month or so later, my magazine came in, and I have to say I was a little bit anxious flipping through that issue, because if it wasn’t the same story, I don’t know how I would contain my disappointment! But my fears were unfounded, for it was INDEED the story I had been searching for, and I cannot express my happiness sitting down and reading it again, almost 20 years later!! It was just as good as I remembered!

  Thank You, wonderful power of the Internet! Thank You school textbook, Thank You Playboy, and thank you Warner Law for writing this wonderful little short story that had a seventh grader obsessed for over two decades!

Favorite Songs: "New Romance (It's A Mystery)" by Spider

In the times of Mass Media, the Internet and Itunes, it’s hard to remember a time when you could hear a song on the radio a few times, fall in love with it, and never hear the song again!

   But that’s just how it was back in the day. A song that you loved on the radio might be completely unattainable as far as locating a single, especially if it wasn’t brand new or if it was only a minor hit. Your local record store might have only brought in a few copies of the song, and once it was gone, that was it! All you could do was hope to hear it again on the radio, and if it was a one-hit wonder...well, those chances were slim!

  There were so many songs I can remember loving and never being able to get a copy of the single for my own collection. “Crackerbox Palace” by George Harrison was one, and I remember trying desperately to get a copy of “Sir Duke” by Stevie Wonder, all to no avail!

 Anyway, back in 1980 or so, there was this rocking, poppy song that they would play on the radio every once in a while, and I just loved it. The group was called “Spider”, and the single was a song I believed to be called “It’s A Mystery”, due to it’s catchy refrain. I remember trying to find the 45 at my store, but no luck. Just when I resigned myself to only hearing it on the radio, it seemed to disappear! Suddenly, I never heard the song again!

   Years later, I was with a bunch of school friends, and we were talking about cool songs we liked. I casually mentioned liking a song that no one seemed to know, by a group called Spider, and  began singing “ooh, it’s a mystery, do you know what I’m talking about?” I was quite surprised when one of my friends immediately said “ Yeah, “New Romance”! My sister has their album!” 

 I was instantly hopping around, saying that we HAD to get to his house so that I could tape a copy for myself! Yes, this is back in the days of cassette recording, friends. And so it was for the first time I was able to see the actual vinyl myself!

   Hearing the song again really brought back memories for me! It was just as good as I remembered, and we all listened to it, wondering why this great group never made it big!

  As an adult, I was happy to find they had finally gotten around to releasing their two albums onto a CD, and so without further ado, let us take a listen to the wonderful sounds of SPIDER!

Favorite TV: My Favorite Martian

My first exposure to My Favorite Martian was actually a spin-off type kid’s cartoon that aired in the early seventies under the same name. I was only vaguely aware that this was based on an actual sitcom. Like the Hanna-Barbera cartoon spin-off Jeannie (based off, of course, I Dream Of Jeannie) these were tweaked characters and storylines aimed at kids.

  It wasn’t until the early eighties when NBC started running the original My Favorite Martian television show late at night that I finally got to see what the REAL show was all about, and I was instantly captivated. The first thing that struck me was how YOUNG Bill Bixby was! I was a kid used to seeing Bill change into the Incredible Hulk every week, and to see him as a loveable, klutzy reporter Tim O’Hara was unbelievable! I hadn’t seen Ray Walston in anything before this, but he would always ever after be Uncle Martin to me whenever I saw him later on in movies like Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the Stephen King TV movie The Stand.

   The show’s premise was simple: Martian crashes on Earth, makes friends with a News Reporter, pretends to be said reporter’s long lost uncle until he can get his spaceship fixed, wacky hijinks ensue as they try to keep the secret under wraps, with lots of special effects to help save the day. But it was more than that…

   One of the things that immediately struck me about My Favorite Martian was how much heart the show had. The sitcom balanced zany slapstick with nice, touching scenes, and you really got the feeling that these two guys loved each other just as much as if they were real Uncle and Nephew.

   Then there was Lorelee Brown. Tim’s ditzy Landlady, played by gorgeous Pamela Britton (she of Blondie fame), was a perfect character for the sitcom and a great balance for the two male lead actors. Like Gladys Kravitz in Bewitched,, she was always around to “accidentally” bump into some Martian shenanigans which they would spend the whole episode trying to “fix”, but unlike Mrs. Kravitz, she was really a lovable neighbor, and the boys adored her.

   In addition, she loosely played a romantic interest in Uncle Martin, and several episodes were based on the chemistry the two had with each other. One of my favorite episodes was Martin and The Eternal Triangle, where a gentleman named Andre attempts to woo Mrs. Brown, and you really find out how much Uncle Martin secretly likes her.

Other episodes I really loved:

"Never Trust a Naked Martian"

Against Uncle Martin’s warnings of not messing around with things he doesn’t understand, Tim touches Uncle Martin’s antennae, and slips into Limbo.

   Hilarious Moment: Uncle Martin can only see Tim through a mirror, but when Mrs. Brown passes by the mirror, she sees Tim's image, so he freezes and pretends he’s a picture.

"Gone But Not Forgotten"

Uncle Martin gets a sliver of his antennae in his finger, causing everything he touches to disappear. Rather than have to explain why the furniture is invisible, they hide it and pretend they’ve been robbed!

  Hilarious Moment:  Tim and Martin taking out the invisible furniture as a delighted Mrs. Brown watches…she thinks they’re doing charades!

"Three To Make Ready"

 Part of Uncle Martin wants to return to Mars. Part of him wants to stay. And part of him is undecided. So Martin splits himself into three so he can rationally discuss it with himself. Of course trouble is bound to happen when they have to explain THREE Uncle Martins!

  Hilarious Moment: Tim tossing and turning in his sleep, mumbling : “This Uncle Martin went to market.. this Uncle Martin stayed home. This Uncle Martin had roast beef… and that’s all the Uncle Martins there are…….AND THAT”S PLENTY!”

"How Are Things in Glocca Martin?"

 Tim’s long lost Uncle Seamus crashes in, and upon witnessing Martin doing some Martian-ish activities, believes Uncle Martin to be a…Leprechaun!

  Hilarious Moment…, Ah geez, too many to pick from, but I do love the ending teaser dialog: Tim (laughing): “Imagine in this day and age two grown up people actually believing that you were a  Leprechaun?” Martin: “I wouldn’t laugh, Tim…YOU believe I’m a Martian!” Then he turns slowly to the camera and winks!

   The My Favorite Martian series ran for three seasons, two seasons in black and white, and one season in color.

Bill Bixby went on to The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, The Magician and of course The Incredible Hulk. Pamela Britton and Ray Walston even made guest appearances on some of Bill’s shows as well- Pam in The Magician, and Ray in The Incredible Hulk!

Signs You're In a John Byrne Comic!

Doctors Would Be Concerned if They Saw Their Patient Getting Out of Bed!

Alpha Flight #4

Alpha Flight #16

About “Signs That You’re In a John Byrne Comic”:

Like many of you out there, I am a HUGE fan of John Byrne, and have voraciously read just about every title he’s done over the years, from Marvel to DC, Dark Horse, and Beyond!

And as any fan of Byrne can tell you, there are many things that are BOUND to happen in a any given tale of his, and the “Signs That You’re In a John Byrne Comic” entries are just fun captures of similar links between his wonderful stories that give you a sense of Deja Vu!

Favorite Songs: "You're In a Mess" by Falling Joys

A friend once got me an incredible video sampler from the label NETTWERK, featuring songs from the label’s impressive roster. Among the terrific songs was a sentimental pop tune called “You’re In A Mess”, by a group called Falling Joys.

 From Wikipedia: Falling Joys was an Australian alternative rock band formed in Canberra in 1985. They were composed of lead singer Suzie Higgie, guitarist Stuart G. Robertson, bass guitarist and vocalist Pat Hayes, and drummer Pete Velzen.

 In this particular video, Pat Hayes is singing the lead, and Suzie Higgie is singing the chorus, so I thought the group was fronted by a guy. I was in for a surprsie when I picked up their accompanying album Wish List, and found all the other songs were sung by Suzie!

 Despite the title, the song is a bright and rather optimistic song, and the video is full of flowers and pastel colors, a really sunny clip!

Super-Vixens: Mercy Mayrock

One thing you could always count on wth writer/artist Howard Chaykin’s stories were the appearance of  his gorgeously stylized Femme Fatales, and his 1984  DC Mini Series revamp of THE SHADOW didn’t disappoint!

 I’d already been quite familiar with Chaykin’s work from his awesome AMERICAN FLAGG! series and CODY STARBUCK strips in Heavy Metal, and from these, knew that I could expect to see what he was best at: Extreme Violence, Gratuitous Cheesecake and a heaping helping of Noir thrown in for good measure!

 Now, the Shadow strip was filled from page to page with lovely ladies, from Preston Mayrock’s lady loves and agents, (even a tough as nails police detective falls victim to The Shadow’s charms), but the one reigning Sex-kitten that flies miles above the rest of them is the invention of the deliciously ditsy and HELLA sexy MERCY MAYROCK!

 Our story finds The Shadow on the hunt to find Preston Mayrock, an aging billionaire who’s  been killing former agents of the Shadow to draw him out. It seems he’s dying of cancer and wants The Shadow to take him back to the mystic village of where he believes they can transfer his brain into a healthy young clone of himself. And as an added incentive to make them do his bidding, he’s got a Nuclear Missile  in his possession which he’ll set off if he doesn’t get his wish!!

 Now, Mayrock thinks he’s got his master plans all uner control, but not only has his sexy trophy wife Mercy been “getting it on” with his clone for years, she’s got an even CRAZIER plan in that she has a DEADLY infatuation with the Shadow, and her ultimate fantasy is to get down with him as the nuclear bomb devastates the city! We readers were like “WHOAA! beautiful, ditzy, conniving…and BATSH*T insane!!!”How could you EVER come up with a more interesting character!!!

 Upon recently re-reading THE SHADOW series, Mercy seems horribly dated because she was supposed to be a “modern girl”, and was depicted wearing the latest fashions and sadly, this was the 80’s! Look at that image above of her in those new-wave glasses, gads, could anything look more “Cyndi Lauper”?! But MAN, dress her up in a sexy  teddy compete with the garters and stockings, and you’ve got Chaykin drawing what he does best, this is pure, timeless BABE-NESS!!!

 THE SHADOW Mini-Series was so successful, it garnered a new monthly title written by Andy Helfer and illustrated by Bill Sienkiewicz, but without Howard Chaykin at the wheel, it always seemed to be missing something. Chyakin’s masterful style of Violence, Sex and Film Noir really was what MADE the Shadow work, in my opinion…and there’s no greater example fo ALL THREE of those qualities in Mercy Mayrock…a REAL “Dame to Die For”!

 Mercy Mayrock

The Shadow: Blood and Judgement

By Howard Chaykin

Super-Vixens: Duo Damsel

While I’ve never been a big fan of Duo Damsel’s orange and purple outfit, I’ve always had a place in my heart for the character herself- probably because the writers of DC (especially Cary Bates) always took the time to write special side-stories for her and her beau, the  rubbery Bouncing Boy, that really showed how “Down to Earth” (OK, they weren’t on EARTH, but you get my meaning) the couple was, every story showing off the love they had for each other, making readers like me care a hella lot for them.

  In any case, yeah, I didn’t care much for the former Triplicate Girl’s costume, but when Chuck and Luorno decided to tie the knot in SUPERBOY STARRING THE LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES #200, I was presented with Luorno draped in one of the prettiest, elegant outfits ever- her wedding dress, to be sure, but so much more…cosmic than what most would expect! Plus, I don’t think Dave Cockrum’s ever draw her more beautiful. WOW!

  The Wedding of Duo Dansel and Bouncing Boy eventually led to Dave Cockrum leaving the Legion of Super-Heroes.Apparently, the story goes that Dave loved that illustration of the wedding so much, he asked editor Cary Bates if he could have the original art as a keepsake. “I don’t see why not,” was Bates’ reply. Later, however, when editor Carmine Infantino came into Cary’s office, he saw the artwork on his desk and asked what it was doing there. Whn he told him he’d like to give it to Dave, Infantino said flatly, “We don’t’ give the artwork back!” Dave was so hurt by this callous descision, that he left, right then and there!

 Happily enough, Dave was able to pull some strings and get his hands on that artwork some years later! In an interview with , he admitted that although he DID have it at one point, by the time of the interview, he himself had already sold it off, too! Ahahaha!

 Triplicate Girl

First appearance: Action Comics # 276

By Jerry Siegel and Jim Mooney

Blondie Meets Zhang Ziyi

Here’s something I made a few years ago, and thought I’d post it up here and share…

I’m a huge, huge fan of BLONDIE, been one ever since hearing “Heart Of Glass” all those many years ago, and from that point on,  I had to get all their earlier albums, including  the eclectic PLASTIC LETTERS as well as their debut album, simply entited BLONDIE!

Their first album had a decidedly 1950’s sound to it, indeed, just looking at the back of the album and you saw a group that actually LOOKED like they were from the 50’s, and the music certainly supported this look: with  songs like “A Shark In Jet’s Clothing”, “In the Flesh” and the ode to those 50’s science fiction double features, “The Attack Of The Giant Ants”, this album was chock FULL of those greaser days of yore!

One of the songs that never failed to raise my tension level and get me all amped up was the totally kick-ass ode to  Chinese Kung-Fu Movies,  the rocking KUNG-FU GIRL!

Every time I would listen to the song, I’d imagine some Chinese Girl totally  going off and whupping her opponents, and I’d always think, MAN, someone should make a movie short with this as the theme song!

Years later when the incredible CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON came out and I was ALL in the Zhang-Ziyi love, I happened to dig out my Blondie album, and man, when it came to Debbie Harry growling out “Kung Fu Girls”, it totally HIT me…I’d make my OWN Short Movie out of  clips from Crouching Tiger!

Thus began a labor of love, and I have to say that without any kind of video editing machinery at my disposal, this was a long, intricate and sometimes frustrating task, but in the end, I had the Blondie Kung Fu Girls Movie Clip I’d always wanted!!! Silly? Yep!

FUN? HELL YEAH! So check it out, enjoy the work of a crazy Blondie /Zhang Ziyi fan!

The Three Investigators

Back in 9th grade, I sat behind this kid in English class who came in every day reading books in a series called Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators. He would come in with a new book every two or three days, and as I saw the different book covers, I began to get pretty curious about just what was up with the series!

  “They’re a bit like The Hardy Boys…but way more modern,” is the way they were described to me. Contemporary might have been a more appropriate word, but I got the message. Whereas Hardy Boys had the look and feel of fictional 1930’s America (and why wouldn’t it? That’s the time-frame the series came from!), the Three Investigators was a product of the Sixties- kids who resided right here in California, kids who had their own hidden headquarters and secret codes-I was instantly drawn in!

 The series revolved around three boys who had their own junior investigator services.

There was Bob Andrews, a thin boy who worked at the library and was in charge of records and research, Pete Crenshaw, the athletic “brawn” of the group, and Jupiter Jones, the stocky intelligent brain behind the partnership. They had all the cool gadgets any kid would love to have, secret headquarters, walkie talkies, their own phone and even a Rolls-Royce at their service! Each case was introduced and neatly wrapped-up by movie director Alfred Hitchcock. (The reader was led to believe Alfred Hitchcock really wrote the introductions, but in fact, creator Robert Arthur was using only the name in his stories. I guess the same way the Three Investigators were using it-as a name to get mystery-lovers interested in the series.)

   With this information I finally decided that I wanted to start reading the series on my own, and asked if I could borrow the book he had just finished reading, which, if memory serves, was “The Mystery Of the Dead Man’s Riddle”. He said that I could if I wanted to, but the book was No. #22 in the series, and I might be better off starting “from the beginning”.

 So it was that afternoon I made my way to the public library and checked out books #1 and #2 in the series: “The Secret Of Terror Castle” and “The Mystery of The Stuttering Parrot”. Terror Castle was great, spooky and fun, but it was the second book “Stuttering Parrot” that blew me away. It was about these parrots that all spoke fragments of a path to a treasure, and they had to collect ALL the parrots and THEN deduce what each clue meant! Really intriguing!

From then, I tried to borrow a couple of books every week, and was constantly amazed at how great the stories were. Faves that soon followed were MYSTERY OF THE VANISHING TREASURE(#5) where the boys get hired to catch gnomes, and MYSTERY OF THE FIERY EYE(#7), another great treasure hunting story! Each one got better and better!

    I tried to read the books in order, but there were a few problems. One was that my library didn’t carry ALL of the titles in the series, and another thing that made it hard was the fact that the books were written by FOUR different authors, and so they were placed under each respective author: Robert Arthur, MV Carey, Dennis Lynds and Nick West! What efforts had to be made to find them all- I remember bicycling to different libraries all over town! But the searching bore fruit, and I was eventually able read every book in the series!

  Robert Arthur was the creator and author of the first 10 or so books, and when he passed on, the series was continued by MV Carey and Dennis Lynds, with two books by Nick West.

 Arthur’s take on the boys is the defining portrait of the Three Investigators, and his stories are undeniably the best of the series, but Lynds and Carey  also brought new and interesting elements to the books as well. Lynds tended to write more historical/politically motivated stories, and Carey tended to lean towards the supernatural, although this may be generalizing a bit, as both wrote equally as well in the other styles. I have favorites from Arthur’s books, Carey’s, Wests’ and Lynds, and have decided to use this wonderful forum to let “those who may care” know my favorite picks of the series! 

THE MYSTERY OF THE STUTTERING PARROT(1964)

The boys start off discovering a Parrot that quotes Shakespeare, only to find that there are as many as seven birds out there, each with a different quote to speak. They deduce that the parrots together recite a coded message, and as they get deeper into the mystery, they realize the message may lead to a great treasure-or their demise!

THE MYSTERY OF THE VANISHING TREASURE(1966)

 The boys are hired by an old lady to investigate sightings of gnomes in her yard at night. At the same time, a golden belt is stolen from the Museum. Little do the boys know there may be a connection with the two! An awesome story here- the scenes where the boys stake out the old lady’s house at night…really scary!

I’m surprised the cover artist didn’t depict the gnomes on the cover, opting rather for the Golden Belt.

THE MYSTERY OF THE SCREAMING CLOCK(1968)

The Boys come across an old electric clock that has been programmed to scream instead of ring. Jupiter’s curiousity of “Why would somebody rig a clock to scream?”leads them onto another great case.

  I remember reading this in one sitting. It was such a gripping story, one exciting scene leading to another  til it’s over!

THE MYSTERY OF THE FLAMING FOOTPRINTS(1971)

I’m not sure why I love this story so much. Perhaps it’s the inclusion of so many new characters, or the way the story keeps building up, but this one has so much going on. A slightly political story, I keep thinking Lynds wrote this one, although it was in fact a Carey yarn.

THE MYSTERY OF THE SHRINKING HOUSE(1972)

Like the “Screaming Clock”, the story moves because of an interesting centerpiece, in this case a series of paintings that depicts a house slowly shrinking out of sight. A nice bonus is watching troublemaker Skinny Norris get his come-uppance!

THE MYSTERY OF THE HAUNTED MIRROR(1974)

Wow, one of the scariest supernatural themed stories in the series, written by MV Carey. The Boys investigate a strange old mirror that is reputed to show the face of an ancient magician at night. There was one scene that I thought was really creepy- A Boy was in the house alone at night, and he could hear the sound of the mirror laughing down the hall…YIKES!

THE MYSTERY OF THE INVISIBLE DOG(1975)

Another supernatural-themed one by MV Carey again. Lots of interesting characters, (Burnout hippy Sonny Elmquist and cute over-eater Gwen Chalmers, for starts!) and a few spooky things to think about like astral projection and phantom priests! This is one I re-read most frequently, for some reason.

By the way, there really isn’t any “Invisible Dog” to speak of as depicted on the cover, but to explain more would be to give away the plot...!

THE MYSTERY OF THE SINISTER SCARECROW(1979)

Possibly my favorite Three Investigators story. Everything about this one works for me. The settings (farm field out in a valley), the footwork (I love the scene where Pete pretends to be someone's nephew), the suspects( A whole plethora of house guests!), and even who the culprit turns out to be!

 A scarecrow is following a girl around and causing her anguish, and the ploy of having the scarecrow appear “only at dusk” is wonderfully spooky! The Boys are talking about the case at a restaurant, and an electrical repairman relates that he saw the scarecrow running around a corner of the Mosby Museum...creepy!

All this plus lots of nice details about the world of Museum curators and Entomologists.

 After years of borrowing and RE-Borrowing the books,I made it my goal to acquire all the books in hardcover, a task that would take me YEARS to fulfill. At the time, the series was up to #28, so I had quite a bit to catch up- but it was all worth it! Although the series was discontinued in 1987, the 43 books in the series have stayed with me, and the cases that blew me away then are STILL great reads, and I have to indulge myself at least once every few years!

And with news of a possible Movie on the horizon, who knows?

The Three Investigators might be back!

Favorite Songs: "The Long Tunnel of Wanting You" by Vanessa Daou

When I started as the store artist for a record company in the 90’s the former artist had left written instructions all over the room to guide me to where everything was, as well as a Barbie Doll tied up in bondage hung from the ceiling!

I also inherited her CD/Cassette player, and a few scattered cassettes that were piled in the corner where the electronic equipment was stored… To this day I’m not sure if these cassettes were hers or not because she’d written to me telling me all the stuff she needed had already been taken out and moved to her new job. So I was free to do whatever I wanted with what was left.

So one day, I was working on a big project and after a few hours, had exhausted my supply of the CDs I’d brought along with me to get me through the long day. I needed music, but I sure didn’t feel like listening to the same CDs over again. Then I remembered the stack on Cassettes in the corner, and right at the top of the pile was an album that caught my eye featuring an artist named Vanessa Daou. The tape read : Vanessa Daou reading from the works of Erica Jong. Hmmm, sounded interesting, to say the least!

So I put the cassette in, and was instantly taken in by the lush, nu-romantic sound of the opening track… this wasn’t ANYTHING like what I was expecting! I don’t know, maybe I was thinking it was going to be something like spoken word. OK, some of the tracks on the Cassette DID ring of “dialog with the music as a backing track”, but I was surprised at the very ROXY MUSIC-ish, ethereal keyboards that backed up the words.The song was titled "The Long Tunnel of Wanting You", Dark, Moody and HIGHLY Suggestive (and with Erika Jong, what else would you expect) , VERY Very catchy stuff!

Like most of the stuff I tended to get into long after it had originally come out, the CD was out of print, and I had to take a weekend to visit the various used CD stores peppered around town before I got ahold of a copy of my own!

And though many people have since told me "This CD is whack!", it's still one that I find myself yearning to listen to, particularly when I'm in my retro-80's mode! Ahahahaha!

Vanessa Daou / The Long Tunnel of Wanting You

The Luck of Pokey Bloom

Whenever I was bored and didn’t have anything to read (and was too lazy to even walk down to the public library), I’d borrow books from my sister, the only other sibling in our family that read books  as voraciously as I did, and had a pretty nice collection, in her own right!

  These were, as can be expected, the usual Young Adult fiction that I guess most girls had- the Judy Blume Books, the S.E. Hinton books, et al, and while I DID enjoy reading those books too (yes, I think I went through them all at some point), one that I ALWAYS enjoyed reading, and eventually had to get a copy of my own, was a book called The Luck of Pokey Bloom, written by Ellen Conford and illustrated by Bernice Loewenstien.

Luck’s something that seems to have avoided Charlotte “Pokey” Bloom- no matter what, she simply can’t seem to win in any contest she’s entered, and she is determined to find the great SECRET to break her losing streak! This story was so much fun- more like a Beverly Cleary does Brady Bunch story than Judy Blume’s Tiger Eyes if you get my meaning! In fact, I always imagined Eve Plumb as Pokey!

Now, while the overall plot of the story is Pokey’s obsession with winning a contest, the rest of the story is filled with the rambling exploits of a zany, ambitious teenager, and it’s these chapters that really seem the most interesing to me: shopping for her mother’s birthday gift, trading insults with her brother, and even doing community cleanup with her girl friends!

And Contests! Cake Slogan contests, Radio Call-ins, Greeting Card sales- Every contest that she COULD enter WAS entered, every contest she didn’t win was another crushing loss- but each loss strengthened her resolve!

One day she meets a lady named Virginia Hopewell who tells her the BIG secret: To win, you must  convince yourself in you mind that you’ve already WON, every minute of the day for every day, you have to tell yourself “I’m the Winner!” So Pokey sets off to try this new theory, only to find the distractions that enter a young girl’s life on a daily basis makes concentration harder than she thought!

One thing I always remembered about the story was this side story with Pokey’s brother Gordon. At one point, he suddenly becomes obsessed with Yoga and health food in general, and no one can figure out why…But after a bit of spying, Pokey and her friend George find out he’s fallen for some girl who works at the local Health Food store! No wonder! Later when she declines his advances, his interest in Health dies off as well!

So  every time in life I found myself getting interested in something because of a girl, I’d always laugh and say “I’m being like Pokey Bloom’s brother!” then I’d laugh again, thinking of how  book I read as a 7th grader still surfaced in my mind even to this day!

Ellen Conford is a beloved Children's Book writer, perhaps most famous for her Jenny Archer and Annabel the Actress series and the book "Dear Lovey Hart, I Am Desperate" the latter of which was a pretty popular ABC Afterschool Special, as I recall!