When I was in seventh grade back in 1979, we were assigned these glossy English reading books with various short stories to read and then get tested on for vocabulary, comprehension, etc. There was this one story that really made an impression on me, and I remember reading it over and over again throughout that school year.
The tale in question was a short story by Warner Law called The Harry Hastings Method. It’s a zany story told in the first person of a small-time burglar who breaks into well-to-do peoples homes while they’re at work and takes their clothes and valuables to fence. The tale starts for us when he breaks into the house of one Harry Hastings...
* * * * *AS USUAL, SPOILERS ABOUND!!!* * * * * *
After breaking into a home and rummaging around, the Burglar discovers that the owner of the house is a TV writer named Harry Hastings. As the burglar himself fancies writing some day, he steals one of Hastings’ scripts as well as his entire wardrobe and typewriter. While testing out the typewriter, he decides to leave a note for the owner:
The burglar enjoys the loot he has stolen from the Hastings residence, but a few months later, he needs new clothes and decides the time is ripe to hit the writer’s house again. He returns to Harry Hastings' house, and makes way to the bedroom to pilfer more clothes, when he sees a note taped to the closet:
After the burglar takes the few new suits that are in the closet and is about to leave, he remembers something he wanted to tell Harry Hastings. He locates a new electric typewriter and leaves a new note:
So four more months go by before the burglar decides it is once again time to update his wardrobe. So he makes his way back to Harry Hastings house, but is put on alert when he sees a note taped to the front door:
Now, He figures the Hastings could be making whole scenario up, but he knows it is best to not take chances. So he opts to leave for the time being. But when he returns a few days later, the same note is still taped to the door! So he realizes the note is a fake, and breaks into the house without hesitation. When he gets in, there is another note on the closet door for him:
After stealing whatever is left of Hastings’ wardrobe, the Burglar starts to feel bad, and decides he should leave Harry Hastings alone. But then a few months later, someone breaks into the BURGLAR’S house and steals all the clothes he’d worked so hard to get! Thus he has no choice but to once again break into the Hastings house to replenish his closet!
Upon coming to Harry Hastings’ front door, he sees a note taped to the front of it:
This note gives him pause. Is there really a Puma in there, or is this another one of Harry Hastings’ tricks? After a few minutes of debate, he decides to take the chance that Hastings is lying. He stealthily breaks into the house, and slowly sneaks around, calling out “Kitty, nice Kitty!” After a few minutes, he realizes he is right, and the note is a fake.
When he gets to the bedroom, he sees another note taped to the door:
Well, the burglar doesn’t believe this for one minute. He goes right into the room, and of course there is no such electronic device to be found. There is, however, another note taped to the closet door:
The burglar has to laugh, and takes a sports coat out of the closet. There is only a faint scent of cologne, and the burglar knows the gas doesn’t exist at all! The only thing that gives him pause is that fact that the coat he is now stealing looks exactly like the one he’d stolen before. He chalks it up to coincidence, and happily makes his exit, but when he gets home, he is greeted with an alarming scene. There are three envelopes taped to his front door, numbered 1, 2 and 3. He doesn’t know what to make of it, and begins by opening envelope #1:
Well, the burglar DOES stop and think about it, and then it hits him: Harry Hastings was the guy who broke into his house and stole back the clothes! How did Hastings find out where he lived? How did he get in, and how did he know that he was robbing his place today? Suddenly, the burglar begins to feel nervous as he opens the second envelope:
The burglar quickly opens the third note, because if Hastings knows about him, the police are probably on their way:
Well, the burglar is simply flabbergasted! He cannot think of what to believe! So he stands in front of his door and sweats and sweats, and finally comes to the realization: Harry Hastings is finally telling the truth! Besides, he can hear the animal inside making little noises as it moves around. But this is beside the point because the burglar has to get in because all his cash is hidden inside, and he’ll need that before he blows town!
After debating for a while, he finally decides to hold up the sports coat and try to fend off the animal, and maybe force it into a closet or room until he can get to his cash. Summoning all of his courage, he bursts into the room with the coat protecting him, and...
No puma jumps out at him. No animal is there at all. But then he looks off in the corner of the room, and Harry Hastings himself is sitting at his desk! The burglar cannot think of anything to say, when Hastings speaks up and asks the shaking burglar:
“Tell me one thing. DID you or did you NOT believe there was a puma in here?”
The burglar thought, then slowly nodded. “Yes Sir. Yes, I really did.”
Then Hastings smiled a big smile and said “Well, thank heaven for that! I was beginning to think I was losing my grip!”
The story ends with the two of them, the writer and the wanna-be writer, collaborating to start a fanciful burglar deterrent system consisting of inventive notes posted regularly and cheaply to clients' doors! I just fell in love with the story, and I told myself that I would go to the school library some time and xerox the story so that I would still have it when inevitably I had to return the textbook to the school. But I never got around to it, and before I knew it, we were handing the books back and school was over! I didn’t realize just how much I would miss that story, but as the months and years went by, I cursed myself for not copying the story when I had the chance!
I spent many summers rummaging through used bookstores and library book fairs trying to track down that English reading book, but it was tough because not only did I not recall the author of the Harry Hastings Method, over time I’d actually forgotten the name of the school textbook! As my memory got blurred, the chances of me ever finding the book grew slimmer and slimmer!
It was only years and YEARS later through the advent of the internet that I was able to track down the elusive story. By typing in “The Harry Hastings Method” into every internet search engine I could find, I was eventually rewarded with an entry leading the the website that listed short stories published in Playboy, of all places. But lo and behold, listed right there in the Playboy Genre Fiction Page:
Law, Warner,
--Lincoln's Doctor's Son's Dog, March, 1970.
--The Harry Hastings Method, April, 1971.
--Payoff on Double Zero, October, 1971.
I remember reading the listing and re-reading the listing, hardly daring to believe it was the same story. And if it wasn’t for the fact that the story had such a one-of a kind title, I might have convinced myself it WASN”T the same story. But I had to take the chance!
For the next few weeks I perused Ebay diligently, waiting to see if I could find a copy of the April 1971 Playboy issue up for auction. I quickly realized there were two kinds of sellers when it came to Playboy: the people who sold to collectors and sold them at ridiculous prices, and the used bookstore sellers who sold them as nothing more than old magazines. Finding a dealer such as this, I was able to purchase a copy for less than $5.00! Now all I had to do was cross my fingers that this was the story I had been waiting for!
A month or so later, my magazine came in, and I have to say I was a little bit anxious flipping through that issue, because if it wasn’t the same story, I don’t know how I would contain my disappointment! But my fears were unfounded, for it was INDEED the story I had been searching for, and I cannot express my happiness sitting down and reading it again, almost 20 years later!! It was just as good as I remembered!
Thank You, wonderful power of the Internet! Thank You school textbook, Thank You Playboy, and thank you Warner Law for writing this wonderful little short story that had a seventh grader obsessed for over two decades!
